One of the deepest thinkers of the 20th century writes the following: "Only the optimists who can no longer live like this are killed. And for others, the uninitiated, without any meaning in life, why should they seek meaning in death? ”Elsewhere, he says,“ The idea of suicide is about freedom. I could bear everything because everything depends on me. I think the idea of suicide is something positive, stimulating. "
This mental attitude seeks provocation. It shocks us. This is its own form of intellectual extremism, bathed in pessimism and nihilism. Self-destructive and marginal. At the same time, it gives hope in hopelessness. It is necessary, then, to keep ourselves in this world of falsehood and emptiness, albeit unfree. To be ourselves. Let us not cross the border of our freedom, going beyond. This reveals the inner contradiction of optimism.
To profess such a thing requires a very proud spirit, but also a willingness to alienate from the world and people. Living in loneliness and hope. Our hope in hopelessness was named Lora Karavelova. Hope before he commits suicide.
"Laura is just love. All other feelings, desires, passions are subordinated to that dominant feeling, ”says one of her researchers. "Love stronger than death was Laura's dream." Laura was in search of the impossible. Let's just say something that always stays out of focus. Laura is an irreverent optimist. That is why it puts an end to the internally experienced senselessness of the world. Is it any wonder that optimist Laura killed herself?
In the aforementioned duality, between her dissatisfaction with life and her sacred optimism, Laura Karavelova experiences her days. In a letter to Petko Todorov he will admit: "I am evil and capricious like three hundred devils and three hundred women, everything annoys me."
Her optimism is revealed mostly in letters to her beloved Peyo Yavorov.
"The first and only concern will be to watch over the life of our love, to watch tirelessly, every time. I don't have to, I can't lose you. "(To Yavorov, 9 October 1911)
"In spite of all your skeptical smiles, my whole being is expecting the future as necessarily beautiful. So far, there has been neither beauty nor happiness in my life. However, I cannot believe that there are necessarily days of beauty and happiness in life. For these days, I live so far and still live. ”(Letter to Yavorov from Paris, 19-May 1912).
"People used to believe and be happy. But what do we believe in today, and where did you tell me that we would meet? I would come everywhere, my dear - God sees - but where will you wait for me - where will I find you?
God sees that I would go to the ends of the earth, I would live my whole life alone, knowing that on a certain day of the year you would be there. Or at least at a certain time of the year I will hear your voice, at least one word… or I will look at least your eyes, I will meet their gaze - only once… or at least I will hear the noise of your footsteps. But where will you be - so that I can come too! Come back, my dear. Come back not only for me, come back for yourself, for all the good that is in you, that you are obliged to give to others.
But come back for me, my dear. What will I do without you? And does it not feel to you that my soul is leaning on yours, that my soul is leaning once in my life, leaning back irrevocably? And where will I look for you in the future? Can I still not look for you every minute of my life? "(Letter to Yavorov from September 1912)
Laura's letters to Yavorov are highly regarded by critics. They show her great artistic talent, they are classic examples of Bulgarian epistolary literature. It is worth noting that Yavorov, according to his beloved, does not know how to express himself well in a letter. Often, his discomfort saddens her because it is interpreted as a lack of love on his part. Laura does not assume that her most talented Bulgarian poet may not be involved in writing letters. Once she made a feature of his letters to her, noting the lack of artistry and passion in them.
"There is a little chronicle in each letter. You make her like a person who is used to seeing a famous person every day… So in the first place - the habit… Then a few kisses sent distractedly to me or an expression of half-awakened desires for a woman… So let's allow a little sensuality…
And I - the materialist, I want not your habit and not your sensuality. "I want your soul, your heart, your tenderness to be imposed AGAINST your will…"
"I no longer want your love, I want your life, wherever you are. I have no one in the whole world to respect, to trust, to love, but you… "
True, Laura is love. But Laura is also a crazy passion. And pride. It is pride that destroys her. Because she constantly urges her to demand more and more in love and from her lover. She lacks humility, despite the stated religiosity of her youth. "I want to put religion as the basis not only of my youth, but of my whole life," he said after accepting the Catholic faith during his second year of study at the Notre Dame de Zion boarding school in Paris.
Laura was born on 8 on November 1886, in one of the most respected families in post-war Bulgaria. Father ѝ Petko Karavelov is the brother of Lyuben Karavelov, he is the first Finance Minister of Bulgaria, Prime Minister of the country in three governments. During his term of office, the Unification (6 September 1885) of the Principality of Bulgaria with Eastern Rumelia took place. Mother ѝ Catherine is among the most educated women in the Principality. She translates fiction, writes articles, participates in political affairs, and actively supports her husband. However, parents are extremely committed to their social activities. They do not take the time necessary to educate their children. Little Laura remains very attached to her father. While the overbearing mother is the one who is in charge of the children's future. Catherine does not show affection for her daughter Laura, as time goes on, their relationship cools, even when it comes to outright animosity. The reason is that Catherine wants to make personal decisions on all important life issues for Laura.
After high school, the little girl was sent to study abroad, in France and Belgium. In letters to her mother, she often addresses her as follows: "I leave it to you to decide everything…" or "If you find this good, why not…" The mother orders everything important, she chooses the society in which to move Laura . After a while, Laura came out to her with the accusation: “You write to me very fairly that up to 7th grade, ie. until the time when I was only under your influence - I was different, and then the society, which she chose, changed me. "
When she grows up enough and becomes a girl to marry, the mother naturally goes in search of a suitable bridegroom. This happened after her father's death in 1903. Laura loses not only her father, but also the person closest to her heart, her ideal of perfection.
This loss seems to break it for several years. Laura is obsessed with apathy and falls under the ever-increasing influence of an overbearing mother. Catherine forced her to marry the son of his father's fellow Spartan, Dr. Ivan Drenkov (1906), whom Laura dislikes in the least. In her manuscript that year, Laura moaned, "Loneliness and despair!"
However, her strong spirit will not be reconciled with circumstances imposed from the outside.
The mother's actions are unmeasured about a person like Lora Karavelova. If violence has been used against a more uncharacteristic and modest person - yes. A positive effect could be expected. However, Laura, despite the demonstrated obedience ("I leave you to decide everything"), does not humble herself in time. She is determined to choose for herself what and why in her own life.
There are also moments when, oppressed by her domineering mother and faced with the prospect of impossible happiness, she seeks peace in loneliness and alienation. It says: "Loneliness is good" (…) Have you ever complained that loneliness is love? And have you stared into the gloom of your past youth? Yes, loneliness is a priceless refuge sometimes. Sometimes it's a refuge, once in a lifetime - love, and most often - a dream.
Soon Laura's dark passion, the urge to commit suicide, speaks. Andrei Protich recalls: "At least I had stopped my attention on Laura's first act of suicide: on October 10, 1905, in Red Crab, changing her dark red rose with my tuberose and smelling it," she said softly in the tuberose. "How does a strong breath make me think of suicide?" In her "Letters to Nobody," Laura states, "For whom he never expects anything - the only new country is the grave." In general, the thought of suicide fills the young woman's mind for long periods of time. of life.
Laura is deeply unhappy with her family life with Dr. Ivan Drenkov. She is a man of art, and he enjoys the existence of Esnaf. She doesn't understand her so much that she doesn't even understand what she didn't like about their life together. "She did not feel called to be a woman like everyone else, to take care of the household, to raise and raise children, and to another, it is unclear to her what exactly."
The mysterious Laura is looking for the person who can figure it out. And he must be a man of art, a poet, and not content with his wealth. She will give her heart to him, but she will also undergo thousands of trials to prove her love. Peyo Yavorov is this man. After their first meeting at the Dragalevski Monastery, in 1906, when they were in a common company, Yavorov was inspired to write the prophetic two verses about them:
"My soul is a moan, my soul is a cry,
because I'm a bird shot,
to death, my soul is hurt,
of death wounded by love…
My soul is a moan. My soul is called.
Tell me what a meeting and separation mean?
And here, I tell you, there is hell and grief -
but in sorrow love. "
A few years after this accidental but memorable meeting, their burning love will begin. She took them both to the grave.
“The mirages are close, the road is far.
A startled cheerful laugh
of ignorance and greedy youth,
of sultry flesh and ghost light…
The mirages are close, - the road is far:
because it stands in radiance before me,
standing, but not hearing who is calling and the wall, -
it is flesh and a ghost a cure! "(" Ston ")
In their relationship, Laura is the active side. Accustomed to conquering men's hearts, she lives separated from her impersonal husband. She is celebrated as one of the great beauties of Bulgaria. She is the winner of the first beauty pageant in the country - Sofia Beauty, held on 5 on October 1906. After a failed marriage with Dr. Ivan Drenkov, she gets involved in a love affair with the diploma Peter Neykov. Her cynical behavior towards people replaces previous meekness and seeming obedience. But her interest in art is still alive, she continues to be a fan of the beautiful. A young woman disappointed in her feelings with a child from her marriage (a boy named Petko), but longing to find true love with the right person.
In the beginning, she acted inappropriately at the object of her desire, a poet already using literary fame Peyo Yavorov. Laura chooses to look after him at Mina's grave, the unlucky mention of his beloved, which he swore he would never forget. Naturally, Peyo repels her. Later, the poet recalls this: "My answer hurt her. She nodded curtly and defiantly left me unanswered. I saw that her ambition was deeply affected, and I was left with the impression that this would be our first and last meeting. ”Laura's modesty would later be reflected in Pey's uncontrollable jealousy. She will always be jealous of Mina's ghost. "Her love was a very complex and dark feeling that inevitably led to death: she could not find another satisfaction." (Yavorov)
Laura continues to insist on having Yavorov, to own it only for herself. At first, something like an ornament. Satisfied fad maybe. However, the adventure between them, perhaps unforeseen, gives rise to a fatal attraction that lasted beyond even life.
We should not make the mistake of looking only at Laura's vulgar face. She is not just another ankle who is taken care of by servants and who flirts with boredom with the famous men of Bulgaria. Laura has exceptional vitality and kindness. But she is more proud of that pride. Her pride darkens her faith, her hope and her love in the innocent and the good. She tarnishes the clean relationships they have with Peyo in the beginning. It breeds jealousy.
And Peyo gives her an opal ring. In his drama "At the foot of Vitosha" he writes: "A ring of opal must be worn by believers in their love." And more: "Crush this stone into dust - its flame will shine in the smallest pollen. Opal is a stone of misery for those who are afraid: it hides in itself the flame of eternal love. "This melts the heart of Laura in love:" Yesterday the hesitation to accept opals was only for a moment. Today I feel only joy, some bright, unknown joy. You were joking yesterday and found that your strength was in your nails. And today I seriously feel that my strength is in the ring. I feel it so seriously that I'm afraid to take it off. If I had this ring back then - a few years ago, everything would have been so different, and without it I would have been so helpless and alone… "Laura wrote this letter dated September 9, 1911. Apparently hints at their first meeting in Dragalevtsi Monastery, when, if she had the ring, "everything would be so different."
"Your dream is an enchanted slave
to my soul calling you;
you will come at the end of the world desert,
hence the barrier chasms, the peaks.
Abysses, peaks, unknown spaces
your dream is flying in a wakeful dream -
and I hear, in the night of dark misery,
the pre-dawn rescue bell.
You will come, the dawn of innocence,
in the garb of his fragrant garb
and it will be the last confession hour,
glow in a magic dream.
My soul will sprinkle pearls on you,
that you will be a rose, I will be May.
And we will burn carried away in our sleep -
and we will find an end to the smoke in the sky. "(Opal Ring)
However, the honesty in their relationship does not satisfy Laura, it seems artificial. Her soul is filled with suspicion. And they stifle her happiness from an otherwise mutual love. "If by chance your love has grown a little (now is spring and everything is naturally evolving), even if it has grown to the point of looking for me, tell her that I exist most definitely and that I am around you. My forehead is on your hand, or my lips are on your lips or on your hair. "I am around you and look at you with all the tenderness of your soul." (Lora's letter to Peyo)
Laura finds herself unable to concentrate on the love between them - and she has one, she is alive and it is appropriate to make him happy. Instead, she sets out to choke her into suspicion, eliciting a devastating sense of lack of love.
This deficit, compounded by enormous jealousy, leads to the decision to seek love beyond. In the beyond, where: "Behold, I say to you, there is hell and sorrow - and in sorrow love," - the poet realized. It is a solution to the rebellion against the limitations that life puts on us. It seeks to achieve a freedom that has not been tasted by anyone, in this sense as utopian as it is full of naive optimism.
After the suicide, Yavorov testified: "Laura's last words, whispered in her last breath, were: - I love you very much! So she answered my cries: - Laura, why did you do that, why did you do that, why did you do that? (…) I decided to die already. I believe that this time death will not change me. I'm happy because when I'm dying, I'll whisper, "Laura, I'm coming because I love you so much!"
Laura never gets rid of the feeling that she has to conquer Yavorov in love. To impose his will over his. She experiences love as a clash of opposites. A winner is expected. "I often speak of the selfishness of my love. I look for her carefully when I'm alone. And I find it only in the strong desire to see you, to be around you. In this, I can only see the normal thing he loves. My desire to love me is also normal. And all this concludes as much selfishness as any human love at all.
I almost always come to you not only embarrassed but also broken. ()
Rest assured, I give up any fight - any imaginary fight. Don't protect yourself or get nervous anymore. If you loved me enough and the thought of fighting wouldn't go through your mind. Because then you would love me the way I love you - without much thought. Then your love, too, would seem to you a necessity, not a forced yoke. ”(Letter from Laura to Peyo on January 12 1912)
In the end, for good or for worse, Laura wins the fight for love in love. He wins 30 on November 1913 when he shoots himself with his husband's weapon in front of his eyes.
After her death, Yavorov, with a shaky psyche and a changed mind, will admit: "I can barely love her the way she wanted to love her."
to your bright soul, aspiring to you, my spirit
dedicates his confessions.
Laura's optimism even defeats death. Her Peyo goes after her to catch up with her and to silence her after her words: "Laura, I'm coming because I love you so much!"
Estimates after Laura's suicide in Bulgarian society are polar. It is good to recall Andrei Protich's article in her memory, entitled "Your beauty has become your destiny." "The only significant young woman has disappeared. Let's save everything that can in the future contribute to the creation of Laura's spiritual personality… So at least to give the generation that respect for Laura's memory, which the current society can not feel, because it threw at Laura the mud in which it , our society, swims… “